Ann McMaster - Life as It Is

Freedom - personal freedom

Yesterday's post was a setting of the context of Freedom (as I see it in this moment). Today's post is a personal issue I have about Freedom.

Freedom has always been one of my most treasured values personally. One of my biggest issues with people/life, is when decisions are made that affect my life, in which I have had no input. I Really Loathe that. To me, it's like taking away my input regarding my own life - you living my life for me. And of course, it happens all the time. Life does it relentlessly. (Who decided everyone should work from 8am-5pm? No one talked to me about that!)

Looking at the overall spectrum of my life, I can see why I was married for 9 years and single for the next 32. I have equated freedom with being single - oppression with being married. And yes, I know that in reality, that is not necessarily so. However, it is the way the 'perfect marriage' was touted to be in the 1950s ... and the way I saw my parent's marriage, and the way I experienced being married. (Remember I'm a baby boomer, and the context for marriage has shifted immensely, but not so much for my generation.) AND, when I look around, I surely do see oppression happening today in relationships - not just women being oppressed, but men also. By oppression, I mean that one or the other party is not living to their fullest potential, either by active or covert behavior on the part of the other. Sometimes, the oppression has been so ingrained, neither notices it.

I didn't notice it when we first married. I abdicated one decision after another, until both of us assumed I had no opinion. And usually, I was happy being with people - what we did, where we went was a non-issue for me. I liked his taste in home furnishings, etc. There wasn't much that I cared about that was worth an argument. But something was born in me when Rebecca was born. I was accountable in another way - an important way. Once I was reconnected to myself, I realized what I had done. By that time, the pattern had been set, and breaking the pattern broke the marriage. I wasn't willing to live as we had, he wasn't willing to change the unconscious vows we had made.

And every significant relationship since that time has had an issue with the amount of time I spend working - traveling. I think it's one of life's many perversions - having to choose between my life work and a life partner. Being on my own just seems easier to me.

My choice ... as always.

Freedom - July 4, 2009 - pensive thoughts

The other day, an email came my way regarding the consequences that were paid by some of the signers of the Declaration of Independence.  Those who were brave enough to stick their necks out to declare their independence from an oppressive, over-taxing government were men of substance - landowners, industry leaders. They had the material world by the tail. What they wanted was even more important - a sense of Freedom, a sense of leading their own destiny.

 Many of them lost their homes, some had their entire families either murdered or imprisoned (where they died), and many were stripped of all their worldly goods by fire or by being blatantly usurped. Look at the history of any country where oppression has reigned - I'll bet you'll find similar consequences sustained by the leaders of any freedom movement.

The same thing happened to the leaders of the women's suffragette movement. Many of the leaders of which were imprisoned and brutalized. It even seems to be a difficult passage between teenagers and their families, as teenagers emerge from the confines/protection of home to the seemingly rule-less world of college or the work place.

What is this thing called Freedom? What's so compelling about it? Why are some devoted to it and some not? Because it does come with a price - a giving up of complacency for an illusive ideal.

In my view, the complacency comes from spiritual lethargy, a willingness to "let the big dogs handle it" - a deep addiction to entitlement, a willingness to forego my responsibility for my own life, the lives of my family, friends, and neighbors - and yes, even for my own world - and for all the children in it. 

And something in me shrinks and becomes more narcissistic, down to me and mine, and sometimes, just down to me. It certainly demands less from me - less accountability, less effort, less leadership, less fire in the belly, less altruism - and a loss of the sense of belonging IN the big picture, a loss of self respect, a loss of creativity, and a loss of connection to that sacred part of me that demands I live in faith - not comfort, but FAITH. Fundamentally I either become a drag in the unfolding of evolution or an active ingredient in it.

My choice - always.

Free Will - Part 4

Some time ago, I got an email that said, "What if the sum total of your life is a warning to others." That sentence stuck in my mind. Even if I unconsciously choose to exist, rather than live; to withhold love, rather than give and receive it; to pretend I'm more/less than I really am, rather than be genuine - my life isn't wasted. I can be a warning to others about how not to live.

 Hmmmm. I could choose that. I don't want to do that, I choose to be a light among many lights. That's my stand. And when I unconsciously fall into addictive self-indulgence, I will wake up and re-choose.

Either way I go, Life will use me for good. It all works.

Free Will - Part 3

Free Will - I get to choose whether to be my bad self or my good self. My bad self has fun in a temporary way, causing long term Not-Fun. Freely choosing my Good Self, aka my Real Self, has a simplicity to it that is undeniable. It's easy to love and be loved - it's how we're made.

The problem arises when that is not easy, when it requires Self Mastery - making a stand that won't be popular, telling truths that are hard to hear, knowing when to keep my opinions to myself (especially when they are not asked for), keeping my word to myself when I don't want to, keeping my word to others when I don't want to ... i.e., living in integrity with myself, with others and with Life/God/The Force.

Manndi Schuld and I were just communicating about that ... she calls it the Righteous Life. With that choice comes respect for myself and others, an honoring of all our samenesses and differences, an unconditionally loving space that heals and connects and manifests ingenious solutions. And for sure, we ultimately take responsibility for living the life we are uniquely positioned to live, that no one else can live like we can, that is OURS to contribute to the rest of the world. It means constant evolution, constant letting go of behaviors that are no longer viable, constant acquiring of new neural pathways that are more congruent with this current refinement of Who We Are.

That choice, freely made, can never be made automatically. Automaticity is the realm of addictions and self indulgence. Choosing the Righteous Life is a moment by moment choice - on offer 24/7 - regardless of how long we have enslaved ourselves.  And it is an act of will - either willful (like a spoiled brat) or willing -willing to step up, claim our place in the world, support others to claim their space in the world, and trust that that is enough in this moment.

Free Will - Part 2

Free Will - it sounds delicious - I am free to do whatever I Will. And indeed, that is true. I am FREE. I can satisfy any whim or addiction I like, any time I like (and I have). Or I can choose the road less traveled and satisfy my soul. Sometimes both can be satisfied by the same thing, more often not.

The question I ask myself is:  Is this a short term gain, for a long term loss? Or is this a short term loss, for a long term gain? Bottom line - is this freedom of choice self-indulgence or self mastery?

Self indulgence definitely appeals to my hedonistic nature. The problem occurs later, in retrospect, when it's time to pay the consequences - weight gain, higher bills to pay, having to work longer to meet a deadline, a speeding ticket, etc. That's when the remorse hits me. That's when I rake myself over the coals for being so self-indulgent, and when I vow I will never do that again. Then, of course, I forget, and do it again - making more promises which I fail to keep in the long term.

All the above makes it easy for me to believe that I'm not worth keeping my word to myself. Like, Duh! If I were worth keeping my word to myself, I would. Since I'm not keeping my word to myself, it must be true that I'm not worth it. So I don't. I fulfill my self-proclaimed prophecy, spiraling ever downward.

Bottom line, self-indulgence isn't really Free Will ... it's really being a slave to my addictions (I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it). It just masquerades as freedom of choice. And I am free to choose to be a slave.

Free Will - Part 1

The other day Sylvia Hicks and I were talking about Free Will - the ability to choose behavior that lives in the light or behavior that lives in the dark. It started with an intellectual understanding that she was, at her core, loving and lovable. While she knows that is Reality, her stomach still tightened at the thought. At first, it was even difficult to say the words out loud and with conviction ... even though she knows better.

I know that place. I distinctly remember the time when I was training with Brad Brown, and we were on our 10pm break (the training used to end at 2am). It was about my 5th time to be in the front of the room as a trainer. I was in the bathroom about to pee. In my head, the word STOP screamed. So I tightened up and listened ... stop what? Then I heard these words clearly, "If you pee, you'll wet the bed. You are dreaming. This isn't real. It can't be real, cuz you haven't got what it takes to be a trainer, so this must be a dream, and you're about to wet the bed."

For the first time, I had a visceral grasp of schizophrenia. Truthfully, at that moment I was totally confused as to which 'reality' was the Real One. The only way I could think to test it was to pee. So I did. I didn't wet the bed. I wasn't dreaming. I really was training. I really was doing what I really wanted to do.

That's when I began to respect the immense power of the mind to ignore incoming data (Real Reality) that refutes the habitual/concocted reality - the one I made up (usually when I didn't know any better, and usually in a traumatic situation).

So ... my choice - behavior that reflects Who I AM, or behavior that reflects my fictitious self, which eventually imprisons the real me - all out of my own spiritual stubbornness, my refusal to take responsibility for Who I AM, really!

The Wedding - Jenny Meadows and Ian Huddleston - 20 June 09

Here are some moments of a day full of special moments. Lots of food, specialties prepared by many, delightfully consumed by all - and that's Morgan Mathews (flower girl and granddaughter of Jenny) in the foreground.                                                                         
On the right - Ian giving Jenny the wedding ring. There was a moment when we, as a group,  were caught by the sacredness of this celebration of two people from different parts of the world who managed to find their way to each other.

Below and to the left is a pic of some of the friends and family gathered as witnesses to Jenny and Ian's declaration of their commitment.

The beginning of the ceremony was a reading of some of the well wishes of family and friends from all over the world. Jenny and Ian read some of them, and Tom Parish, Best Man, concluded with a letter Ian wrote about his life.  All of them touching, especially the last one.

It was a genuine honor to be the officiant joining two people who so obviously love each other, as well as have the spiritual maturity to be true life partners.

Below is an official picture of the husband and wife and me. You can click on any of the pics to enlarge them ... more coming on Facebook. The wedding ceremony itself was recorded on DVD, intending to be posted on You Tube, so you can be a part of their new beginning.                                                                 

Special mention goes to Lily Parish, Maid of     Honor, Holder of Many Tasks, Baker of both the Groom's Cake and the Bride's Cake, Flower Girl Hair-Braider extraordinaire, Corsage Maker, Music Coordinator, General "Make It All Happen" Person ... Sharon's daughter for sure! Here she is, behind the scenes, before the wedding, sorting it all out ...

Healing Intensive - a pilot project

I am so excited to be part of a new adventure - a 6 day healing intensive - Living Well Being Well. It is a project dear to Diana Makens' heart. Since she happens to be my support partner, and since healing the body/mind/spirit is a passion of mine, how could I not be involved?

What I really like about it is the combination of a More To Life Weekend and the expertise of 10 practitioners ... all focused on healing. So the first 2-1/2 days are the MTL weekend, then another 3 days of working with 10 different healing modalities - all tailored to each person's Well Being. Since the course is limited to 10 participants, there is a lot of time for each person.

Back in my 20s and early 30s, when I was experimenting with every alternative healing method I could put my hands on, and noticing that the same health crises recurred time and again, it finally dawned on me that the mind's stressful thought patterns were largely the Cause of my dis-ease, while the physical dis-ease was Symptomatic. If I kept addressing the symptoms and not the cause, I could be dealing with symptoms and feeling unwell for the rest of my life.

That's when I decided to focus on my mind, ridding myself of lies and half-truths - which were causing stress/dis-ease. Know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free. That really is the Truth! This pilot course addresses the mind AND the body AND the spirit - in the space of 6 days. (And there are two more spaces left.)

BTW:  When I am not feeling FREE, there has Always been a lie somewhere in my system, directly related to my unfree/unease. No Exceptions. Check it out for yourself.

PS To find out more, click on www.livingwellbeingwell.net - all info is on that website. Pass it on. And if you have already taken the More To Life Weekend, you would still take it again. If you haven't, here's an opportunity. Either way, it's a Win!

Betty's Bay - the Leopard and the Baboons

On the way to Betty's Bay for our paragliding adventure (see previous post), Bruce Mortima was telling Brocas Walton and me a bit about that community and their resident wild leopard. Even though the leopard had killed a grown man about two months prior to our little excursion, the townspeople were very protective of this animal, passively obstructing outside attempts to kill it. Well, that gave me pause. All of a sudden, being up in the air sounded even better than before.

Sure enough, when it was Brocas's turn to paraglide, I was sitting at the top of the escarpment, resting  from the effort of hauling the parachute back up the cliff - alone - as in by myself - as in bait for the leopard. There was no way either Bruce or Brocas could reach me in time. I was too far up, they were too far down. So much for being in the now. I was definitely transplanted into the future - being mauled by a man-eating leopard.

Then, much to my delight, I saw a troop of baboons - about 30 or 40 of them crossing the very top of the mountain, about a football field away from me. I kept very still so as not to frighten them, enjoying the way they organized the move. Part of my immediate ease was the knowledge that the leopard's food of choice is baboon. So even though I would be an easy dinner, baboon would be a delicious dinner (gospel from the Book of Leopards).

Later, as we were leaving, I was telling Bruce and Brocas about how much safer I felt once I saw the baboons. Bruce grew more white hair as he told me that, actually, baboons find great sport in physically abusing lone women - lone, human-being women.

My learning: Occasionally ignorance is its own protection. I think that is because I wasn't afraid. Fear has a way of attracting predator energy.

My gratitude: For some reason, my life seems charmed, fortunate, lucky, blessed - whatever word is appropriate here. As I look back on my life, even as a child, I seem to have escaped potentially dangerous situations unscathed. I'll bet that if You look, you'll find the same ... little situations which could have been devastating, and weren't. (And yes, the opposite is also true - harmless-seeming situations which weren't. Those seem easier to remember, so I'm thinking it's high time to remember those other times - equal opportunity remembrances.)

Betty's Bay - Paragliding

Betty's Bay, on the southern coast of South Africa, is a wildly beautiful place to hang out - which I did with Bruce Mortima, a paraglider instructor who I met through the More To Life Program, and Brocas Walton, who co-trained with me in Cape Town. The three of us trooped off to the cliffs rimming Betty's Bay, where Bruce was going to show us how to paraglide. I knew nothing about paragliding, but it sounded like fun.

Actually, it takes a lot of stamina - mostly carrying the chute back up to the top of the cliff to get another ride. Not to mention galloping down the escarpment, dragging the chute while it's still on the ground - yep, that takes some commitment. but it is So Worth It.

There are several little 'tricks' to successful paragliding. First of all, laying the parachute out properly on the ground at the top of the cliff is Very Important. Brocas and I took turns waiting at the top of the cliff, while the other would harness up in the middle of the chute, then run madly down the cliff, wait for that magic moment when the wind from the bay is captured by the sail, and ... voila ... Lift Off. Beyond Excitement! What a thrill to be lifted off the ground, feeling the soft wind billow around me.

I was so enthralled, I forgot to pay attention to the strap things that orient the chute. One strap turns it one way, the other strap the other way, both straps lower the chute - something like that. Second tip - pay attention to the instructor. Bruce's hair almost turned white in front of my eyes. When I finally heard him yelling (which seemed to come from a great distance), I was so into the freedom of being airborne that his words didn't compute. Lucky for me, this must have been a training parachute, cuz there was an extra long rope dangling beneath my harness that Bruce was jumping to grab. Later he told me that he had visions of me just sailing off - which pretty much matched my own images, except I wasn't scared, and he was. I didn't know enough to be scared, and the whole experience was so exhilerating, and I was so taken up in the Now, I didn't have the bandwidth to imagine anything catastrophic about the future.

And that was my greatest learning. When I am completely in the Now, there is no room for the past or the future. Conversely, when I am stuck in the past or snared by the future, all I have to do is open fully to the Now - then I am free once again.