Deserve

The intent behind that word is just plain smarmy to me. I have 'x-ed' it out of my vocabulary.

"I deserve to be left."
"He deserves to get a ticket." (one of my personal favs)
"She deserves everything bad."

"I deserve happiness."
"He deserves to be loved."
"She deserves a new car."

Who says? No one 'deserves' bad things to happen to them...no one. Who is really omnipotent enough to know that someone is worthy of punishment? When I get into my God, Jr. drama, I pontificate to all and sundry about who 'deserves' what. But it's still a farce. And when I do say that someone deserves any bad thing happening to them, it Is a prayer of evil.

Another really slimy thing about this word is that it smacks of entitlement. There is nothing I can do to 'deserve' happiness. It is a gift, always on offer, that I can claim. But it is not owed to me. It is given.

This realization dawned on me, when I was complaining that God owed me an easy life ... I deserved it after working so hard to be so good. And it wasn't happening. My life wasn't as easy as it should have been, given all that I had sacrificed. (I was kinda making fun, and kinda not.) Yep, martyrdom - after  all I've done for YOU - I deserve, you owe me. Yuck! Pitiful, based on resentment, icky. The victim drama Loves the word 'deserve' - it's a false bravado, covering a loser mentality. It implies that I am fundamentally not good enough to claim my birthright, that I have to prove my worthiness. Once my worthiness has been proved, then i will deserve my happiness. And all along, it was there to claim, without having to prove anything to anybody.

The ability to know what I want in my heart, to create it in my life, and to enjoy that whole process is the high price paid for sitting on my duff, pretending I am owed.

Other than that, it's a good word.

Comments

[Trish McCormick]

This was timely for me - I've long wrestled with this slippery word. I'm also very familiar with martyrdom, being good to hide the "fact" that I'm fundamentally wrong, and yes, the God, Jr. drama. Thank you for your clarity and humility and for holding up a mirror for me.