Ann McMaster - Life as It Is

Rules - the confusing ones

There seems to be at least three types of rules that are a source of consternation to me - the ones that are posted and given lip service (largely ignored); the ones that are not written, not posted, but carry more penalty if flouted; and the ones that are subject to class.

For instance, I've been told that there is still a law on the books in Texas that you can't have wire cutters in your back pocket. Even though it is a law, it is not honored - by those wire-cutter-carriers or by those whose job it is to uphold the law. There was a rule posted on an airport jitney, "No Tipping" - it was plain, written in large letters, and ignored by most everyone.

Then there are the societal, familial and relationship rules that are learned by infraction - either by being punished or witnessing someone else being punished. Eg: in an elevator, all occupants are supposed to stare at the door or the numbers as they flash by - no talking. It's an unwritten rule, but largely kept. In my family, no one talked to my dad until he had eaten dinner, and you didn't loiter between him and the TV when Gunsmoke was on. We learned that by breaking the rule.

Then there are the rules that the "little people" are supposed to keep and for which they are severely punished if caught, while the "big people" don't seem to be punished for breaking the exact same rules - or even pursued. My mother was taking one of brother's friends to a doctor's office in a major hospital here in Houston (in the '60s), she smelled marijuana and peeked in a door, and there were a bunch of doctors sitting around a table taking tokes. One of my brothers was busted for that. It all seems unfair application of the rules. In many circles, it's OK for men to have extramarital affairs, not so for women.

So ... rules ... some are kept and outmoded, some are posted and not kept, some are not posted and kept, and some apply to some folks and not others. Rules ... calling for personal discernment yet again.

Rules

Questions have come up a couple of times recently ... about rules. Kirsten Johnson and I were discussing the necessity of breaking the rules sometimes, or at least bending them .. or can they be transformed?

Keeping the rules can be life-saving - like the rule about staying on your side of the road - and everyone counts on everyone keeping that rule and others governing road safety, and safety in general. All of which can be deluding to the undiscerning, if they conclude that rules equal safe which equals homeostasis (which, if prolonged, equals stagnant in my book).

I'm probably going to get into trouble for saying this ... but ... the psychotherapy profession has a rule that prohibits equal-equal relationships. It is based on old theory which says that the patient needs to learn to trust the therapist, therefore the therapist has to maintain a "one-up" status, so they can guide the patient through some difficult passage.

So my first breaking of rules is that I refuse to call those with whom I work "patients" - which infers that they are the sick ones (and by extension, I am the well one). A one-up/one-down relationship - personally disempowering for the "patient," and downright dangerous for the therapist's humanity.

My experience in working with Ann Barnett (my psychotherapy mentor), and subsequently my experience in working with others is contrary to that paradigm (excluding severe mental disorders here). It seems to me that we (psychotherapists) should be facilitating others to trust Themselves to lead their own life ... not us (or anyone else). That paradigm was confirmed for me by the More To Life Program, which teaches exactly that. And while that program is not psychotherapy, it does happen to be therapeutic. In my estimation, that psychotherapy rule needs to be transformed to fit a new paradigm - one that empowers people to have faith in themselves and their personal destiny, one that empowers therapists to be shoulder to shoulder with their clients through some difficult passage.

Transforming a rule requires transforming the paradigm it is meant to serve - a change in context. That usually starts with someone breaking the rule.

PS  I am not advocating breaking rules. I am advocating discernment of reality, as always.

Living Well Being Well - The Actuality - Part 2

The combination of the More To Life Weekend followed by one-and-a-half hours with each of the nine different healers, all of which were experts in a different healing modality was extraordinary.

Each day started at 6:30 am with an optional yoga class (Thank you, Chris Gordon). That set the tone  for the day - connection and appreciation of our bodies. Then we appreciated our bodies even more with divine breakfasts - prepared with love by Jeanne Abbott and her crew. Jeanne is well known in Minnesota circles as an excellent healthy, gourmet cook. She managed to accommodate each participant's and practitioner's food allergies and disciplines for the whole week - truly amazing organization and phenomenal good will for all of us. It was worth the whole experience just to have meals that delicious and that nourishing.

At 8:00 am we started the first round of healing sessions. So there were 3 sessions before lunch at 12:30, and at 1:30 we started another round of two sessions. An hour before dinner, Chris Gordon led us through a mix of chanting and meditation, which supported the integration of what we had been doing and opened us up yet again to that Big Space. Thank You, Chris. 

After dinner we had a variety of group activities, presentations, art projects, etc. And of course, the ever popular hot tub waited - warm and bubbly.

Since there were 12 sessions in all, each person had an 'off' period each day. During those 'off sessions,' people talked, compared experiences, kept each other abreast of their new insights. Anne Bauer was looking like a newborn, so I asked her if she had just had Chris Gordon's Thai Massage. She asked, "How did you know?" I said, "I recognize The Look." Sherry Merritt was bubbling about her Emotional Freedom Technique session with Wendy Ogden. Peter Kiss was still being amazed by his Neuro-linguistic Programing session with Diana Makens. Tracey Taul was blown away by her chiropractic session with Dr. Andy Lonnquist. Everyone was comparing notes about their custom designed workouts. Cathy Arcand took the time to find out what physical difficulties each person was dealing with, as well as how each person likes to exercise, and their current fitness level. Everyone felt renewed excitement about exercising, more confident in their ability to continue it. Well, the stories are many, and hopefully, you can get the gist of what happened those next 3 days. Other modalities not mentioned so far: Julia McLean with her electro-dermal screening (EDS-analyzes the bio-energy and bio-information produced by internal organs and systems - she found 2 parasites from my last trip to Africa that had successfully evaded immigration scrutiny); Theresa May - an expert in shiatsu bodywork (not massage, but definitely 'fixes' the body); Pat Werner - Healing Touch (hard to describe sensations of the body letting go of out-dated accommodation to old beliefs - and it works); and me - BioDialogue (communicating with the body).

That was the follow-up to the weekend. More to come - The Learnings

Living Well Being Well - The Actuality - Part I

So there we were in Sun Fish Lake, Minnesota - beautiful environment, elegant accommodation, delicious water, gourmet/healthy food, salt water swimming pool/hot tub, saunas - wet and dry, humongous trampoline (by the pool) - and best of all, the Rolls Royce of trainings (More To Life Weekend), 9 expert healers, a committed team, and, of course, the participants - one from England, the rest from the States.

I had several concerns. Most of the participants had already done the More To Life Weekend and were not that excited about re-taking it. Since it was required, they went along. My concern was that their heart wouldn't be in it, since they knew everything about the course. Another concern was the potential difficulty of meshing advanced students with newbies. I was also expecting to get out earlier than usual, given the small numbers and the amount of advanced work most of them had integrated.

Actually none of my concerns or predictions were on target. The training was the training - everyone plugged in fully. We were in rarefied air. All participants were wide open, tuned in. It was more like an advanced advanced course (yes, I mean both "advanced's).

None of us would have guessed that the only newbie in the course was a first time student. She fit in with the group like a hand in a well-worn glove - full of personal authority, easy integration. All of them attended to the disciplines of the course in a way that increased awakeness and sharpened their insight.

Example - one person said she felt bad, so we explored what 'bad' meant. For no particular reason, she had just lost energy and felt pain in her chest and arm. When we explored when it started, she realized that it began when someone mentioned a man's name, which happened to be her ex-husband's name. Then the rest of her mental pain came rolling out. Once we separated out what was real and what was fiction (which was most of it), her pain had disappeared - both the physical and mental pain.

Two other notable points about this part of the intensive - we laughed - a lot. It was one of the funniest weekends ever - tears and laughter and more tears and more laughter. The other notable point was the time in the hot tub at the end of the evenings - more laughter and camaraderie. Laughter really is good medicine.

More to come - The Actuality, Part II - the 3 days of healing modalities

Living Well Being Well - The Theory

Diana Makens, my friend and support partner, had a dream - combining the More To Life Weekend with a series of healing practitioners. The idea was to present a whole-case scenario in which the participants would address their health issues (and whatever issues affected their health) via their mind first and then address those same issues with physical healers. The premise is that when you unhook your mental/emotional reactivity from the body, the body can heal more easily, more effectively, especially when aided by experts. Ergo - Living Well Being Well - a healing intensive.

My experience regarding health was that I would go to the doctor, get a prescription for something that was ailing me, get well for awhile, then repeat. During my More To Life Weekend, it hit me.  My illnesses (and even most of my 'accidents') were pre-dated by an unnoticed dis-ease in my mind. And unless I handle my mind, I will keep curing my symptoms, but not the cause.

Example: my husband and I tried for 4 years to have a child - fertility experts, diagnostic tests, daily temperature checking, drugs, the whole bit. There was nothing wrong with either of us, and yet nothing happened. Then my sister's husband was in an accident and required my sister to be by his side for the next 4 months. My husband and I became surrogate parents for their 18-month-old son, Drew. The month after my sister's situation became stable again, and Drew went back to their home, I got pregnant. During my More to Life Weekend, exploring a lifeshock associated with that time, I finally understood. What poured out during a clearing process was this - as the eldest of 8 children, I had done as much caring for babies/toddlers/elementary and junior high kids as I wanted. I wanted freedom from snotty noses, cranky spells, diapers, wiping up messes, tracking down my make-up, etc. From the point of view of my biological clock (I was 30 years old), I wanted children. From the point of view of my internal "eldest child," I was over it. It wasn't until I fell in love with Drew, which changed my mental perspective of "mother," that I was really open to having a baby. "Sister" is vastly different from "Mother."

Bottom line, my unconscious beliefs overrode my conscious mind. Oh yes, I truly respect the power of the mind. I believe that if I had known and applied the processes and tenets of the More To Life Program, I would have been pregnant sooner, having been able to refute my stinking thinking. I'm not positive about that, but it has been my experience in a plethora of other instances since my weekend.

So that was the hypothesis - handle the mind first, then address the body with different modalities, and healing will be more thorough and more long-lasting.

Next posting - The Actuality.

Freedom - finding my freedom within The Limits

Where is my freedom when unwanted, unasked for limits are imposed on me? In reality, this is an everyday occurrence. An occurrence which happens regularly in some cases, and out of the blue in others. Night, day; rain, drought; people being conceived, people dying; speed limits, red lights; recession, inflation; body casts, amputation; being robbed, raped, imprisoned. I have two freedoms (maybe more) in any of the aforementioned situations - admittedly easier in some cases, than in others.

The most hard-won freedom I have is the freedom either to just 'get it' that it's happened or to try to 'unhappen' it. The first alternative spurs my creativity and compassion, the second renders me impotent and frustrated cuz I can't 'unhappen' anything that has happened. More's the pity.

My second freedom is to be alive in the moment or dead in the moment ... finding my unique way through this once-in-a-lifetime experience or shut down and endure it. Neither way is right/wrong. At different times in my life, I have done both and had them both work. And, as my dad used to say, my freedom ends at the beginning of the other person's nose.

James Lovelock, an independent scientist and futurist, proposed that the living and non-living parts of the earth form a complex interacting system that can be thought of as a single organism - Gaia. In other words, that the earth is a vast self-regulating system. It seems to me that the human body is a micro-replica of that self-regulating system. Spiritual laws, the same - not designed by me, but which have an intelligence that, when I abide by it, my life is very different (healthy) than when I don't (sick).

So Life As IT Is - limits that exist, but within which, I have the freedom to be exactly who I am, a part of a part of a part of this ecosystem - an ongoing interaction that never fails to unfold me and the universe.

My choice - as always.

Freedom - empowering others to claim their freedom

When Rebecca was little, I recognized early on that it could be easy for her to breeze through life without developing deep, inner strength. She had it all - brains, beauty, athleticism - and an easy, sensitive way with people. What I didn't know about was her inner spiritual rudder, which has never failed her, and which I have come to respect.

When she was 10, she wanted her own phone. She was quite the social connector even back then. At the time, I did a lot of coaching and supporting via the telephone, so our phone line was most often in use by me. I decided that this would be a perfect opportunity to grant her more freedom and teach the consequences of that as well. So we made an agreement. She would get a telephone of her own, I would not set a deadline by which she had to be off the phone; she would maintain her grades and get up the next morning in time to catch her ride to school. Consequences for not keeping the agreement - loss of  phone privilege, having to ride the bus to school (which picked up the kids about 20 minutes later than riding with her friend's parents, and which was considered Way Uncool).

Only one time did she have to ride the bus. The hard part for me was keeping my mouth shut at 11pm, when I could hear her still talking to one of her friends.

While it's impossible to grant freedom to anyone else (they already have freedom), it is another act of faith to empower another to claim their freedom. In this case, my faith in Rebecca and my faith in her journey.

I was watching Spiderman (movie) with Hayleigh, and at the end, Spiderman walks away from Kirsten Dunst, because he doesn't want her exposed to the danger that his lifestyle might bring her way. Accepting his unilateral decision for awhile, she suddenly gets it, leaves her groom at the altar, runs to Spiderman (still in her wedding dress), and says, in effect, "Don't make decisions for me. I understand the implications of your lifestyle, and I'm IN." She was teaching him to empower her to claim her own freedom.

Their choice - as always.

Freedom - personal freedom

Yesterday's post was a setting of the context of Freedom (as I see it in this moment). Today's post is a personal issue I have about Freedom.

Freedom has always been one of my most treasured values personally. One of my biggest issues with people/life, is when decisions are made that affect my life, in which I have had no input. I Really Loathe that. To me, it's like taking away my input regarding my own life - you living my life for me. And of course, it happens all the time. Life does it relentlessly. (Who decided everyone should work from 8am-5pm? No one talked to me about that!)

Looking at the overall spectrum of my life, I can see why I was married for 9 years and single for the next 32. I have equated freedom with being single - oppression with being married. And yes, I know that in reality, that is not necessarily so. However, it is the way the 'perfect marriage' was touted to be in the 1950s ... and the way I saw my parent's marriage, and the way I experienced being married. (Remember I'm a baby boomer, and the context for marriage has shifted immensely, but not so much for my generation.) AND, when I look around, I surely do see oppression happening today in relationships - not just women being oppressed, but men also. By oppression, I mean that one or the other party is not living to their fullest potential, either by active or covert behavior on the part of the other. Sometimes, the oppression has been so ingrained, neither notices it.

I didn't notice it when we first married. I abdicated one decision after another, until both of us assumed I had no opinion. And usually, I was happy being with people - what we did, where we went was a non-issue for me. I liked his taste in home furnishings, etc. There wasn't much that I cared about that was worth an argument. But something was born in me when Rebecca was born. I was accountable in another way - an important way. Once I was reconnected to myself, I realized what I had done. By that time, the pattern had been set, and breaking the pattern broke the marriage. I wasn't willing to live as we had, he wasn't willing to change the unconscious vows we had made.

And every significant relationship since that time has had an issue with the amount of time I spend working - traveling. I think it's one of life's many perversions - having to choose between my life work and a life partner. Being on my own just seems easier to me.

My choice ... as always.

Freedom - July 4, 2009 - pensive thoughts

The other day, an email came my way regarding the consequences that were paid by some of the signers of the Declaration of Independence.  Those who were brave enough to stick their necks out to declare their independence from an oppressive, over-taxing government were men of substance - landowners, industry leaders. They had the material world by the tail. What they wanted was even more important - a sense of Freedom, a sense of leading their own destiny.

 Many of them lost their homes, some had their entire families either murdered or imprisoned (where they died), and many were stripped of all their worldly goods by fire or by being blatantly usurped. Look at the history of any country where oppression has reigned - I'll bet you'll find similar consequences sustained by the leaders of any freedom movement.

The same thing happened to the leaders of the women's suffragette movement. Many of the leaders of which were imprisoned and brutalized. It even seems to be a difficult passage between teenagers and their families, as teenagers emerge from the confines/protection of home to the seemingly rule-less world of college or the work place.

What is this thing called Freedom? What's so compelling about it? Why are some devoted to it and some not? Because it does come with a price - a giving up of complacency for an illusive ideal.

In my view, the complacency comes from spiritual lethargy, a willingness to "let the big dogs handle it" - a deep addiction to entitlement, a willingness to forego my responsibility for my own life, the lives of my family, friends, and neighbors - and yes, even for my own world - and for all the children in it. 

And something in me shrinks and becomes more narcissistic, down to me and mine, and sometimes, just down to me. It certainly demands less from me - less accountability, less effort, less leadership, less fire in the belly, less altruism - and a loss of the sense of belonging IN the big picture, a loss of self respect, a loss of creativity, and a loss of connection to that sacred part of me that demands I live in faith - not comfort, but FAITH. Fundamentally I either become a drag in the unfolding of evolution or an active ingredient in it.

My choice - always.