Life As It IS - not how I want it

The other day I was talking with my friend Bill Boothe about the necessity of getting a good support partner. I immediately felt swamped by sadness, which I quickly covered with anger. My outrage at God for 'taking' Sharon (Parish) bloomed again. I had thought I was through that, it's been a few years.

Nope, I was mad all over again, as if her death were a current issue in my life. I missed her, heart and soul, I missed her. No one gets to me like she did. When I was most stuck, she would manage to slip under my radar and into my isolation - then she would touch me on the knee and listen to my pain, and I would be connected again - to myself, to her, and to the rest of the world. And then we would laugh. Oh, yes we laughed.

But that day - no Sharon, and I was angry all over again - and I didn't want to process. I just wanted to be mad - to rail against the injustice of not having her in my life - the unfairness of it all. Fury was easier than being broken-hearted.

The next day, I got this email from Jeanenne Tucker, another good friend of mine.  Here's what she wrote to the Houston sharelist:

My sister made her transition early this morning.  She is finally free of the bodily pain that had been holding her prisoner.  I'm sure our dad was there to meet her and begin the celebration of her arrival into her next life. 
Thank you all for your emails and prayers..............they are precious to me. 
Mother and I are doing well so far..............we, of course, will miss her bodily presence and joyful smile, but her spirit will be with us ALWAYS!
God be with you............
In gratitude..............Jeanenne

And I bawled and bawled. Even now, as I write this, I feel my tears. And the knot is my heart loosens more. Thank you, God, for sending me just the lifeshock (wake-up) I needed to break my heart open, so it can expand and feel even more  - more love, more grateful for All the angelic presences in my life.

Some things I just don't understand, I am not meant to. I am meant to be thankful for all that comes my way. I choose either to appreciate what I've been given and how it deepens me, or to be pissed off that it doesn't happen the way I think it should. Either way changes the situation not a whit. My openness or my closed-ness to the situation determines the quality of my life. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it.

Comments

[Charles]

What beautiful and peaceful words your friend Jeanenne sent you. Sharon is such a force. She never quit calling me out since I first met her at WOW I in 1988. She called me yearly to come to an event.

In a way, she called me again last November through Lily. I wrote about this in a post called The Cooking of Joy - Savoring the Flavors of Life. You're mentioned there too. I hope you'll read it. Charles

[Ann Mc]

Hey Charles,
I did read your blog ... I responded once, but apparently something went wrong ... so I replied again ... I love your blog, www.thetasteoforegon.com ... especially that posting .... and your recipes are FABulous ... youre inspiring me to experiment with different tastes ...
thank you, my friend
ann mc

[Jessica Jones]

THANK YOU for this, Ann. Your words brought tears of understanding. So powerful and beautiful and raw.

Jessica

PS. Heard you might be up in MT in February for Sexuality? If so, I'm so looking forward to seeing you!

[Jennifer]

Beautiful post, Ann. It's tough - when the heart loves, the heart also misses. But it's the mind that can turn that missing into something hard and angry. I like how you moved through it and came out the other side....

[BARRYElizabeth35]

That's understandable that money makes us autonomous. But what to do when one doesn't have money? The only one way is to try to get the business loans or short term loan.