Luette Arrowsmith and I were talking the other day. She was telling me how much she wanted to go to Way of a (Spiritual) Warrior (WOW) in South Africa, this April; and how nothing was really working for her to get there. Everything she has tried so far has had big fanfare, with little result.
So I asked about this as a pattern. Could she think of other things that she has clearly wanted in the past and which refused to manifest. At first, she brought up all the times she had manifested things. Upon closer inspection, her many manifestations (and there are Many) were for other people/organizations. She's actually really good at making things happen - for others. Which is why this has been so baffling for her - she's used to making it happen.
Regarding making things happen just because She wants them - not so much. Looking further into that one, she recalled rolling off the changing table as an infant, how much that hurt her physically and terrified her emotionally. What she put in place was that she couldn't trust others to be there for her. And her early reasoning decided that no one would ever be there for her because she "obviously" didn't matter, was a "nothing," didn't really exist, bottom line belief - "I am not." Given that, why would they be there for her? She copied her version of their regard for her and decided that neither would she be there for herself, she'd earn her right to be here by being there for others.
With that as a backdrop, no wonder her own dreams had a hard time becoming real. So she is now in the process of turning that belief around. It takes much less time and energy to turn around a lie, than it does to submerge/deny the Truth.
I don't know about you, but I know this pattern first-hand. The seminal event was different (being told if anything happened to any of the kids, it would be my fault - at least that is how my memory had it - in reality, I'm not sure I heard what was meant.) But it wasn't until my 40s that I even questioned that moment. In the meantime, how I engineered my life around that interpretation has had a lot to do with abdicating responsibility for going for 'selfish' dreams - like going to India, with no work-related excuse, just because it has been a life-long dream.
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